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Saturday, October 2, 2010

Reflecting a little love


I have spent the last several days reflecting on my life andresting stump some ugly vibes sent my direction.  I guess that is what happens when we have too much time on our hands.  In my case, I reflect about my very existence, my purpose here on Earth, the meaning of life and especially about human suffering, often my own.  Just being me has always been hard to accept. 


About the time I have accepted myself for who I am, I start to think about why others can’t accept me or can’t accept my friends.  Letting everyone else just be who they are gets in the way of my personal peace.  Face it, the world isn’t the way I want it to be and change is long over due!


However, after thinking about things, this time it seems to be a little different.  Maybe I am coming to terms with the fact, the world is a screwed up place.  I weary of passing the message of love on to the next suffering bastard.  Some things will never change.  Why make the effort with a lost soul?


bridge2stepssm Take the fool I met in the campground in Glenwood, New Mexico.  He hates.  Everyone.  He hates everyone who is not just like him. 



He hates Jewish doctors because the one who saved his life in the military didn’t or couldn’t get it exactly right.  He suffers nerve damage in his arm.  He didn’t say anything about hating the guy who shot him in the first place, tough.


He hatescurvesiiism gays.  Well, lots of people hate gays.  That includes college room-mates who “out” their new found, closeted friends, by secretly video taping them having gay sex.  Good thing there is no space in my tent to hide a camera!  I don’t want anyone to see what my pain looks like when I reflect about myself.  I still feel like jumping off of a bridge sometimes! 


My prayers go out to the family of Rutgers student, Tyler Clementi, who committed suicide after his room-mate video taped him making love with another man and stuck it on the net!  Not even Tyler could see himself as beautiful!  Most people don’t have a clue!


My fellow camp-fire-friend hates undocumented workers.   News had spread about my efforts with Promise Arizona.  The organization registers mostly Hispanic voters in Arizona so the youth of undocumented workers can get a college education and so the immigrant population can elect leadership which reflects their community.    


barrio slam ii My neighbor pretends to like dogs but he does not seem to love them very much.  When his pooch didn’t respond to his angry calls he kicked it.  I heard the terrified dog yelp out in pain for minutes!.  He was only a pup of maybe 8 weeks!  I had to look hard for love within my soul as I counted out the seconds!


Here I am, public enemy number-one on the list of a gun toting white racist who schemes two doors down from my tent dome.  I fail the love-thy-fellow-man, except for jews, gays, non-whites, dogs and immigrants-test on at least two accounts.  I guess if I had realized Glenwood, New Mexico, is a hot bed for right-wing racists I might have lost a lot more sleep.  As it was, I tucked my bottle of mace into my pocket for easy reach each night as I zipped the tent flap shut and laid my head down to sleep.


pool ovalsm


Then I think about how sad a case my neighbor is.  He probably does not even like himself!  In fact, that is probably his biggest problem.  He is one more lost soul who seeks power through hate.  Little does he understand the love dynamic.  He would find immense power if he could find brotherly love.  Maybe I should be more sympathetic towards the guy who would blow my brains out if he could get away with it!  Where is my empathy for white racists?


But then, If you could get away with first degree murder, Glenwood, New Mexico, would be the perfect place.  There are millions of acres in the mostly undisturbed Gila Wilderness Area to hide a body.  I would not be the first person to disappear without a trace!


wilderness viewpoint gila

That is when I realize I have been reflecting too much.  If I want peace and self acceptance then I must be willing to accept others for whom they are. 


I must love my enemies.  I must love the enemies of my friends.  I must accept that not everyone is going to love or accept me.  I can’t change the guy who hates me intensely only a few yards away!  That leaves me working on brotherly love harder!   This time, it will have to be from a distance.  


Do I have it right?  Or should I reflect some more?


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